the OLIVE

STANFORD, CA – A team of scientists at Stanford University published a study on Monday which revealed that a way to guarantee a night of restful sleep is to not get any of it the previous night. Knowing how vital sleep is to the human body and mind, this method ensures people to get REM sleep which is essential to thinking and functioning. It is reported that this technique works for anyone at any age; however, it must be noted that this may exclude individuals with narcolepsy as they have to be able to stay awake the entire night prior. 

Ryan O’Kealey, a participant in the experimental group exclaimed, “When I was finally allowed to go to sleep, I didn’t wake up throughout the night once! I’m going to start implementing alternating all-nighters in my daily regime for proper sleep hygiene, as I take my sleep very seriously.” 

“I was so tired that when it was finally time to go to sleep, I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow, not to mention, dozing off several times throughout the day,” stated Jessie Millers.

Georgina Franklin confessed, “I woke up feeling so refreshed as if my body was thanking me for letting it finally rest after going 36 hours without any sleep. I’m so glad it paid off, because during the study from 2am – 7am trying to keep myself awake, I was praying to God that this better fucking work.”

At press time the rest of the subjects were unable to comment as they were still completely passed out.