the OLIVE

EVANSTON, IL – Excited for the start of his new career freelancing as a hitman, Tom Benny has listed the numerous victims that he has killed under work experience on his resume. “I’ve heard you need to keep your resume to just one page, so I will have to leave a few of the names out – one’s that weren’t my finest work,” states Benny.

Over the years, Benny has slowly been working on his portfolio to hone his craft and now feels ready turn his hobby into a profession: a full-time independent contractor in ending peoples’ lives. Benny explained, “I’ve seen so many articles of people taking the big jump of leaving their 9-5 jobs and being able to live off doing what they are passionate about, so I thought why not get paid to do what makes me feel most alive by making others less so?”

His skills include gun and knife work, a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, Call of Duty, and Microsoft Excel. Due to his great attention to detail, Benny leaves behind not a single trace of evidence. For confidentiality reasons, his references are available upon request. Benny added that one thing he is looking forward to as a hired assassin is being able to write off any weapon purchases when he files his taxes.

At press time, Benny said he was also looking into creating a LinkedIn account to start networking.