the OLIVE

BALTIMORE, MD – According to multiple sources, it has been reported that 53-year-old courtroom judge Ronald Schmitson has been rather judgmental towards the people being accused in his court proceedings. Several of the defendant attorneys agreed that the judge needs to spend a day in the defendants’ shoes before he says anything about anyone. One of those lawyers, William Rickshaw Jr., claimed, “Clearly my client was just having a bad day, and who doesn’t have one of those every once in a while?”

Bailiff Mark Martin expressed, “He is just so critical and thinks he is better than everyone else, sitting higher up at his bench, banging his gavel whenever he damn pleases, and acting like he wouldn’t ever make the same mistakes as the people he convicts as ‘guilty.’”

Multiple witnesses in past trials said that Schmitson needs to be more open-minded and that they believe he thinks so poorly of others in order to feel better about himself. Witness Jeremiah Stadsvold added, “He’s making all these harsh assumptions about people and whether or not they should be prosecuted without even getting to know them – doesn’t he know that you can’t judge a book by its cover? We learn that in elementary school for Pete’s sake.”

At press time, a man who pleaded innocent yet was not only sentenced for life but also proven guilty for murder expressed, “He clearly hasn’t done the Inner Work because everything he judges in us is just a projection of himself, so therefore he’s the guilty one! Besides, I don’t believe for one second that he’s never driven intoxicated before or took a piss in a park in broad daylight.”