the OLIVE

HEAVEN, UNIVERSE – After looking at every single fatal accident that has happened since the beginning of time, a study published on Tuesday that the one common denominator between all of the deaths was that every single one of victims’ guardian angels were off the clock at the time of deaths. The data showed that all fatal accidents, such as fires, car accidents, or guns without the safety on were all a direct result from having no angels clocked in or if they were, they were on their lunch break at time of death.

Due to this finding, God has put into immediate motion of hiring more divine messengers to help cover any and all shifts that aren’t watching over people. God mentioned it won’t be easy because especially since the pandemic, it’s been hard to find help. Fortunately, God is able to afford to grow his staff, since being chosen as a recipient for the PPP loan which he can now put to use.

God stated that to help encourage angels to apply, he will now offer the heavenly spirits paid sick leave, healthcare that includes vision and dental, and a cash sign on bonus of $1,111.11 to help make sure all humans are surrounded by an absolute minimum of one angel at all times.

At press time, God said that he is looking forward to lowering the number of unnecessary deaths as soon as possible, and ultimately, saving his own ass.