the OLIVE

SPRINGFIELD, MO – A tarantula revealed Tuesday afternoon that spiders, including itself, give it the fucking creeps. As an arachnophobia, it gets the heebie jeebies whenever it sees its reflection. The spider expressed, “Spiders are definitely the most terrifying looking things, and I’ve seen a lot of gross bugs and shit in my life.”  The tarantula believes that crawling things should not have more than four legs or two eyes. The only time the spider likes having eight legs, is when it sees a spider, it can “scurry the far fuck away, even if it’s a daddy long-legs.”

The tarantula mentioned that it believes the phobia started from a house it was in that was watching Eight Legged Freaks. When asked about its plans for addressing this all-consuming fear, the tarantula mentioned that it knows it needs to talk to a therapist, but it’s hard to find someone that is okay with looking at a spider for an hour straight. The tarantula opened up and admitted, “I’ve considered spinning and weaving myself a noose with my silk to hang myself ending my misery, but that would require me to do something spider-like which also freaks me the hell out.”

After watching Charlotte’s Web hoping to help get over its fear, the spider confessed, “It didn’t help one fucking bit. I have nightmares now where I get caught in another spider’s web with my name written in its web and am eaten alive while some farm animals are watching. Felt like something from a Saw movie.”

At press time, the spider said, “Even though I’m already cold-blooded, spiders make my blood run even colder that my blood practically freezes… but apparently not enough to kill me, unfortunately.”